


just as i reach out to touch you (i remind myself you were meant to fly)

by interstellarbeams



Category: Outer Banks (TV)
Genre: Chasing Fireflies, Childhood Trauma, Competition, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Missing Persons, Underage Smoking, Unrequited Crush, innocent fun, mentions of JJ’s parents
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:08:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25557112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/interstellarbeams/pseuds/interstellarbeams
Summary: JJ’s childhood memory of chasing fireflies has been tainted by his mother’s disappearance, but his friends help remind him what it’s like to be a kid again.
Relationships: JJ & Kiara (Outer Banks), JJ/Kiara (Outer Banks)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 48
Collections: Jiara July Jubilee





	just as i reach out to touch you (i remind myself you were meant to fly)

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks got out to Jordan for looking this over for me and encouraging me when I decided to change my idea the day before this was supposed to be done. And Lara for always talking ideas with me and being excited about my work. 🥰
> 
> My first idea was the boys enjoying competitive eating but Kiara was against such idiocy so I had to change it up and allow her to get involved. 😂
> 
> Title is from Taylor Swift’s Firefly
> 
> Jiara Week, Day 2 — Activity 
> 
> Kudos and comments are appreciated! 💕

JJ hadn’t had a very happy childhood. 

His mother had left when he was four years old. She hadn’t shown up one afternoon to pick him up after preschool at Kildare Daycare. 

He had sat in a plastic chair kicking his legs, _waiting, waiting, waiting_ for her to walk in the door, soft pink lipstick wrapping her lips in a smile. But after thirty minutes and then an hour had passed, the emergency number in his file was called and his dad came to get him, grumbling under his breath about the inconvenience of leaving his job at the mechanic shop to pick his son up. 

(The teacher wisely didn’t mention the fee he would have to pay for the inconvenience she had experienced having to wait for JJ’s ride to pick him up.)

His dad hadn’t seemed bothered by his wife’s disappearance. Simply sat him down in front of the television and let him watch cartoons on their scratchy rabbit ears connection, then slumped down on the couch to drink a beer like he normally did after a long day.

JJ knew not to ask any questions. His father had a short temper and even four year old him, knew not to test his dad’s patience. He turned back to the tv and figured she would show up by dinner time to fix him his favorite mac ‘n’ cheese and run a hand over his messy blond hair like she always did.

Dinner rolled around and JJ’s stomach growled loudly but not loudly enough to compete with the sounds of his dad’s drunken snores. 

JJ got up and pulled a kitchen chair over to the counter, the screech of the legs against the linoleum loud but still his dad didn’t wake up. He climbed up on to the chair and pulled down a box of cereal. Shaking it, he was glad to hear the sound of it rattling around inside the bag. He set the cereal box down and then pushed the chair over so that he could reach a bowl. The milk was thankfully on a lower shelf in the fridge and he pulled it out with both hands, grunting as the heavy weight of the gallon jug dragged at his arms. 

The milk ended up splashed on the floor and the counter but some did manage to make it into the bowl. 

JJ moved back into the living room, bowl carefully balanced in both hands and sat down. He ate the whole bowl of cereal while staring at the tv, slurping the sugary milk with relish, until the seven o’clock news came on and he started to yawn. His eyes grew heavy until he laid down on the carpet and curled into a fetal position, lulled into oblivion by his long day and the sound of the monotone reporter's voice. 

JJ woke up a few hours later, the sounds of the neighbors dogs snarling and barking at each other serving as a midnight alarm clock. 

He sat up. “Mommy?” 

The room was dark, the fuzzy black and white screen of the tv told him it was late, too late for JJ to be up but he couldn’t go back to sleep now — his mommy was still missing. 

“Mommy. Are you there?” He walked down the hall towards the small bedroom but the lamp on the bedside table that she usually left on for him wasn’t lit up and his dad still snored on the couch. 

JJ was confused. 

_Where was his mommy?_ She always came home, even when she left for a few days to visit his Aunt Julie, she always came back and she had never forgotten to pick him up from school before. Sometimes she would come inside with a big smile on her face, her long hair bound up in a bouncy ponytail but other days she wore dark sunglasses that covered her eyes and long sleeves even though the black asphalt outside was hot enough to melt a stick of gum — JJ knew, cause he had tried it, smearing sticky pink gum down the side of his new blue Power Rangers shirt.

 _Maybe_ , he thought in his four year old brain, _I should wait for her outside_. 

So he wandered back down the hall and opened the door, then the screen door that kept the mosquitoes out on nights that were wet and muggy, and sat down on the top step of the porch.

JJ knew a lot of kids his age were scared of the dark, his mommy even thought he was, but he knew that the darkness only hid what existed in the daytime. Nothing scary was out there lurking. That’s when he saw the bright pricks of the fireflies glowing in the shadows around the edges of the yard where the pine trees met the marsh. 

They floated around, blinking on and off, diverting JJ’s attention from his missing mother as he tried to keep up with their movements. 

The next day, his father would get angry and throw things, yelling at JJ about how worthless he was and how his mother left because she couldn’t deal with him anymore. JJ would never know that she left, not because of him, but because of his dad. 

Her abusive husband would turn into his abusive father now that JJ had no one there to protect him. She had truly loved him but her fear was too great and so she had left him behind, hoping against hope that JJ’s father wasn’t all bad, perhaps the man she had fallen in love with was still there. Turns out he wasn’t. He was worse.

But in that moment, the fireflies distracted him, reminding him of happy times when his mother had laughed, curly blonde hair flowing down her back as she caught fireflies with him. She had captured them in a jar and brought them close enough so that he could see, the glowing stomach of their bodies, multiple insect legs and their wings that could carry them far away. He hadn’t known then that he would so desperately want wings one day, so he could fly away too. 

————

It was another hot evening on Kildare Island, twelve years later. 

Summer was drawing to a close but the rain from the day before had ratcheted up the humidity. 

Frogs sang happily in the weeds and they could hear the splash of fish as they snapped at flying bugs that hovered over the water, unaware that they would soon be dinner. Despite that the Pogues lounged in the hammocks that hung from the branches of the great oak tree in the backyard of the Chateau, sweat dampening their backs and their hairlines but they were used to it, _kinda_. 

JJ swung his hammock back and forth, one leg draped over the side of the fabric, so he could benefit from the slight rush of air caused by his movements. He watched the haze of his cigarette smoke billow out above his head as he stared up into the sky that was slowly turning from sunset orange to dusky purple. 

He pulled another drag but the satisfaction he usually got as smoke filled up his lungs wasn’t there. His cousin had been caught dealing out of his car last week by Kildare PD and currently he sat in a holding cell. Black and Milds would have to do, until his cousin could make bail. 

Kiara laughed, the happy sound echoing over the quiet coastal landscape and JJ turned his head, catching sight of her silhouette as she sat up in the hammock across from his. John B’s deeper laugh followed. JJ didn’t know what they found so funny, he had been lost in thought and hadn’t heard what was said but their happiness grated on his melancholy mood. 

He blew out a smoke ring, watching as it disappeared in the night air, before coming in contact with the trunk of the tree. A small light suddenly blinked on, the bark lightening briefly before it disappeared.

“Hey, was that a firefly?” Kie asked, her voice suddenly brightening with excitement.

“Firefly?” Pope’s voice piped up and his hammock swung from side to side as he scrambled to sit up. 

“I’ve never seen fireflies around here before.” John B stated, arms dangling over the edge of the hammock he shared with Kie. And he should know since he had lived at the Chateau for sixteen years and ran around it’s yard for most of those. 

“I’ve seen them.” JJ stated, barely aware that he had spoken until Kiara was leaning over him, gripping the side of his hammock with both hands.

“Really?” She asked, and he had to control the urge to jump. She would be way too excited that she got the “drop” on him, when he was typically the one to try and scare her at any given moment. 

“I used to see them over at my house. In the backyard when I was a kid.”

“Huh.” Pope leaned over the side of his hammock, with an interested gaze. “I wonder if these are the same ones. They can become migratory.” 

“I didn’t know that.” John B, who had known him the longest, spoke but JJ ignored him choosing to focus instead on Kie who still stood next to his hammock.

He spoke to her like she was the only one listening. She was the most empathetic of the group and it wasn’t just because she was a girl, she was made that way. He knew she would listen to what he had to say without interrupting until he was done. She wasn’t the type to blurt out false sympathy or try to fix him by offering unsolicited advice.

“I used to chase them with my mom, before…” He trailed off, surprised to feel choked up after twelve years. 

He'd be lying if he said he hadn’t thought about her at different times over the years. Birthday’s that he spent alone, his dad neither knowing or caring that his only son was getting older, Christmases that felt like any other day without a warm family surrounding him, school picture day when he showed up with a stained shirt and uncombed hair cause his dad didn’t wash clothes regularly and had lost their only comb. JJ had dealt the best he could, even if the order form ended up tossed into the trash and JJ’s childhood wasn’t documented like so many others were. There were so many times when he could have used the gentleness of his mother, any mother figure really, but his dad only showed him the back of his hand or ignored him completely. 

“You know… before she left.”

He still missed her even though he tried to push such thoughts to the corner of his mind whenever they popped up. Remembering her sweet smile or careful attention didn’t ease the pain, only reminded him of how he had caused her to disappear. How it was his fault she was gone. 

“Oh no, JJ… I’m so sorry. We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

“No, no. It’s fine. I’m fine.” JJ sniffed, thankful for the shadows under the tree so that Kie couldn’t see the tears that had slipped down his face. “I’m over it.” 

He knew that he wasn’t fooling Kie. She was a very perceptive person, but she didn’t call him out or try to comfort him. She stayed silent but reached out a hand and placed it supportively on his shoulder before quickly pulling away. 

“There’s another one!” Pope practically shouted, finally climbing out of his hammock and chasing after it like a little kid.

“Come on. Let’s go chase some fireflies with the others. Pretend we’re little kids for a while.” Kie leaned her hip against the hammock so that he basically rolled into her, grabbing onto the sides of the hammock like a lifeline so that he didn’t tumble out. 

“Oh, shit! Sorry.” Kie giggled and the bright sound didn’t annoy him like it had earlier when she was laughing at something John B said. Funny how that works. 

“It’s all good, Kie. Just— maybe, I don’t know. Could you hold it steady so I don’t fall out and land on my ass?”

“Sure. Yeah. Sorry about that.” 

“No problem.” 

When JJ’s feet hit the dirt, he stood there for a moment, squinting into the darkness where Pope had disappeared.

The clinking of glass jars brought his attention around and John B stepped up to his side, four mason jars held in one hand. He slapped JJ on the back, which JJ appreciated but he smacked his hand away and reached for one of the jars.

“Those for us?” 

“Oh yeah. Can’t catch them in our bare hands now, can we?”

“Oh, I bet I could. I’m quick as lightning.”

“Not as quick as me.” Kie replied from behind him, suddenly shoving her fingers into his sides where she knew he was ticklish. JJ jerked away, almost dropping his mason jar as he reacted to her dancing fingers on his rib cage.

“Hey! No fair, Kiara!”

“Who says?” Kie laughed, snatching a jar from John B’s hand and rushing off, her curly hair flying behind her. 

A light flickered off to the right of her and JJ shot past her, quickly unscrewing his lid and scooping the small lightning bug into the jar. 

“Ha! I got the first one.” He practically shoved the jar into Kie’s face in retaliation for her sneaking tickle attack.

“That’s what you think.” Kie held up her jar, two fireflies dancing inside.

“What? How did you…?”

“I already told you. I’m quick.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

Pope darted by them, his empty jar held over his head, John B in hot pursuit. JJ couldn’t see a firefly anywhere and they definitely weren’t that fast that the two boys had to run to chase after them. 

“Why are they…?” He turned to Kie but she was already racing towards the tree line where a couple of the glowing bugs floated, their lights flickering on and off intermittently.

JJ shook his head at John B and Pope and followed after Kie who clearly understood the point of the activity. 

“I bet I can capture more fireflies than you.” She boasted as he moved closer, a joyful smile lifting the corner of her lips and he found himself smiling back. An unfamiliar pull, a connection that caused a reaction — his smile a response to hers.

“Yeah, well, it would be easy for you since you already have more than me in your jar. You should let those go first to make it fair.”

Kie rolled her eyes, but her competitive streak wouldn’t let her win on a technicality. She wanted to win fair and square — boasting wasn’t quite as fun when you knew it was an unfair game — so she unscrewed her lid and let hers escape, and JJ followed suit. 

“So… what do I get if I win the bet?” JJ quirked an eyebrow, daring Kiara to make it worth his while.

Kie scoffed, brushing a strand of hair from her face with one hand. “You mean, what do _I_ get if I win this bet?”

“That’s what I said.” JJ shot her a funny look. _Had she been dunking into the funny juice already?_ He was sure she was sober because none of them had any cash to spare for beer right now, cheap or otherwise, and Big John’s stash of inexpensive liquor had run dry a month back. 

“Clearly you didn’t hear my emphasis on ‘I’.”

“No, I think I missed it.” 

“I meant, what happens if you lose. What is my prize gonna be?”

JJ shrugged, swatting at a mosquito that tried to fly into his face. 

“Come on. We gotta make it fair.” 

“How about some weed? Once my idiot cousin gets out of county, that is.”

Kie squinted her eyes at him, but he knew she wasn’t against the idea, only surprised that he would bring it up. He got weed from his cousin all the time, but it didn’t always come free.

“Okay. It’s a deal.”

“Now, what do I get if I win?” JJ cocked his head, resisting an urge to look her up and down.

She looked beautiful as usual, her hair curling in the humidity, her brown eyes sparkling with excitement and happiness. He didn’t want to ruin her mood by objectifying her or whatever it was that she always went on about when he made certain jokes. 

“A kiss. From me.” She replied, shocking him down to his toes. 

“Are you sure? I mean, I’d take one of those bracelets you’re always weaving. No big deal.” 

“No. I’m serious. I’ll give you a kiss if you win.” She stuck out her hand and JJ eyed her for a second but she stared back at him with a level gaze. JJ reached forward and shook her hand, revealing in the touch of her skin against his for a moment before they pulled away.

“Pope! Hey, could you come over here for a second?” Kie shouted and Pope came running over, looking between them where they stood with a few feet between them. He must have identified the weird tension between them because he frowned.

“What’s up?” 

“Kie and I are gonna have a little friendly competition. We want you to uh— what’s the word?” He turned and looked at Kie, waiting for an answer.

“Moderator! We want you to be the moderator, to make sure no one cheats and you get to count the number of fireflies at the end of… let's say, ten minutes?”

“Oh, okay, cool.” Pope’s shoulders visibly relaxed and JJ couldn’t help but imagine how he would react if he knew there was a kiss (from Kie) on the line, if JJ did, in fact, win. Which he was definitely planning on.

Miniature lights started flashing more and more often and it seemed like as good a time as any to have a competition, now that the insects were out in full force.

“You have to say ‘go’, man.” JJ elbowed Pope in the side and he jumped, rubbing at the sore spot. 

“Dude! I get it, okay.” 

“Just making sure.” JJ held up his hand in a placating gesture, his other hand still wrapped around his mason jar. 

Pope stood for a moment, the sound of cicadas and John B’s exclamations every time he captured a bug ringing through the night. JJ was just about ready to strangle him for waiting so long when he finally shouted “go!” 

Needless to say, JJ won by a landslide. He wasn’t about to let an opportunity like this pass him by. Kiara was practically the hottest girl on the island, and a kiss from her was worth more than any other temporary high, weed included. 

“Ha! Yes, take that Carrera!” JJ did a silly happy dance, wanting to rub it in. He didn’t want her to know just how excited he was about a kiss from her, but he didn’t want her to think he wasn’t excited by it at all either. It was a balance, he thought he handled it pretty well, until he caught sight of Pope’s bemused expression and he immediately stopped celebrating.

“I mean, I told you I was quick.” 

Kie rolled her eyes, typically, but he thought he detected a pleased smile on her lips. She turned away too quickly for him to be sure. 

“Did you know that the _Lampyridae_ is a beetle, not a fly like their name suggests?” Pope piped up, as they stood around, their jars glowing with the nocturnal insects. 

JJ shook his head negatively, the adrenaline that had spiked through his system as he competed with Kie was petering out.

“The lights on their abdomens are actually mating calls. The males flash theirs at females, trying to get their attention.” 

“Oh, so like John B and his trademark hair flip whenever a pretty girl walks by.” 

“Something like that.” Pope chuckled and JJ couldn’t help but smile at John B’s blush — it felt good to be the one that wasn’t the butt of the joke. Usually, JJ would use his dimples against unsuspecting Touron girls and Kiara always poked fun at his so called “moves.”

“Well, I guess it’s time for us to let them go. We don’t want to deprive them of any more oxygen.” Kie murmured, the conservationist side of her finally overcoming her competitive side. 

“Yeah. These little guys have some more mating calls to get to.” John B added as he unscrewed his lid with a metallic scrape. 

They watched as the fireflies disappeared into the night — their amorous runway lights on display.

Pope and John B wandered off, complaining about their growling stomachs, while Kiara followed the fireflies as they flew over the marsh. JJ decided that his stomach could wait even though he hadn’t had much to eat today besides a burnt grilled cheese sandwich and a stale bag of Fritos — his prize waited after all.

The stars slowly came out, winking in the sky like fireflies captured in a spider web that was strung across the atmosphere. Normally JJ wasn’t so fanciful but thinking about his mom always reminded him that there was more to the world than chasing the newest high. 

JJ came to a stop beside Kie, sneaking a quick glance at her face that reflected a slightly wistful look. 

“Do you ever wonder what it must feel like to fly? Really fly. With the air in your face and the whole world spread out in front of you.”

JJ shrugged, “I used to. My mom used to lift me up into her arms and spin me around, playing ‘airplane.’ It’s not quite the same thing, but it made four year old me feel free.”

Kie watched him, seriously, but he kept looking out over the water. If he looked at her he might say something stupid and he really didn’t want to mess up their friendship because he couldn’t keep his big mouth shut.

“Maybe you’ll feel that way again some day.” She spoke quietly before he felt the softness of her lips upon his cheek. 

It wasn’t really what he had been expecting, but the sweet way she pressed her hand against his shoulder to lean in and deliver his prize was something that he hadn’t felt in a long time — tenderness.

“Maybe.”

He didn’t say it but he felt like anything was possible if she said it was so.


End file.
